Personal Bit

Today was a pretty crummy day.

And I wouldn't normally share stuff like this so freely, but by the end of today I had made a few realizations and I felt a little better about life.

I went to my regularly scheduled doctor appointment. I took Elias. By the time we got called back to a room, he was a screaming mess. No matter. It was just weigh in, blood pressure, fill the cup, listen to the heartbeat, and then out.

The first three were ok. When it came time for the baby's heartbeat, the doctor couldn't hear the heartbeat the first time with the little hand held radar thing. A little of that was probably due to the fact that Elias was screaming and crying.

The doctor then sent us to the ultrasound room for an ultrasound. She saw the baby, but it was not moving and did not have a heartbeat. She measured it and told me that it had stopped growing at 10 weeks.

It was completely devastating.

Later in the day, I was thinking about the talk I had to give in church about two weeks ago. It was on Trials. I thought about the things I had said. I have been reflecting back on the articles I read when I was preparing for the talk.

Most of it centered on the healing qualities of the atonement: how Jesus knows our pains personally. I have a quote that I love from Chieko N. Okazaki, but I'll put that up in another post as I feel like this one is going to be a novel.

I spent a little time thinking about how much I believed or didn't believe in what I had spoken to the congregation. The answer is a loud and resounding "YES! I believe every word that I had spoken with all my heart."

Even though my day started out bad, and tomorrow will be crummy too, and I'll always feel a little sad that I miscarried this one, I know that everything is going to be ok. I have family that loves me, and I have had an amazing Priesthood Blessing.

I don't want to talk about this out loud yet. There are very tender feelings in speaking about it aloud, but I am at peace. Sorry if I didn't answer your calls; I just needed a little time to sort through things.